Seance (2006)

Okay, the Toolshed is back. No big whoop. Just got the fever again. Who knows how long it will last this time? A few changes are in order; the Toolshed is gonna slack off on the fiction department as I just don't have the time to read and compose a review for a three or four hundred page novel. Good or bad, most fiction deserves at least two thorough readings before I can comment and I just can't hack that. That is not to say that I won't recommend a title occasionally that I've read. I'm just not going to specifically read a book for review, mkay?

Anywho, a friend asked my opinion of Seance (2006) and I figured why not put it out on Teh Interwebz for the loyal minions of the Toolshed. First, the synopsis:

Lauren (Kandis Erikson) has a little ghost problem. Literally. She has nightmare about a little girl (Bridget Shergalis) haunting her dorm room. So, over the course of a holiday weekend, she and a few friends (Tori White, Chauntal Lewis, Joel Geist and A.J. Lamas) decide to hold a seance to find out what the li'l spectre wants. Unfortunately, the group raise more than just the little girl; they also summon the little girl's murderer(Adrian Paul). Now trapped in the almost empty dorm, can they dispel the decidedly evil force they've brought forth?

Well, let's break it down Spaghetti Western style with the good, the bad and the ugly, shall we?

The good: Hey, college students played by age appropriate actors? That's pretty cool to see. I don't know what the budget for Seance was (somewhere south of six digits. Way south.) but the acting wasn't too terrible. Not much here for skin hounds but the Krazy Kampus Krew are attractive enough.

The bad: The musical score. A certain childhood tune repeated ad nauseum ( isn't public domain wonderful?). The makeup effects were a little too amateur even for such a low budget flick.

The ugly: The script by writer/director Mark L. Smith was exceptionally formulaic. Even a casual viewer of the genre knows the same old plot beats are coming before the end of Act 1. The dialogue sounded fairly forced and character development is pretty much nil. The movie ends before the viewer finds much interest invested in anyone on screen. Plot holes big enough to drive a truck through. However all this pales before the worst of Seance's failings.

It just isn't scary. No tension is generated at all in the 90 minutes of screen time. Seance is boring. And boring just don't cut it.

Toolshed rating: 2 out of 10 spooky candles.

Albino Farm (2009)

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one before. A group of college students/Abercrombie & Fitch models, whilst researching for a paper on rural culture, run afoul of a clan of inbred cannibalistic hillbilly mutants. One by one, they're picked off until only the most likeable of the women are left. Of course, she's driven crazy by the experience.

Now I realize that I've spoiled the ending of Albino Farm for you but no self-respecting horror fan of note couldn't spot that ending a mile away. Hell, I knew who would die and in what order ten minutes in. We've all seen this movie before, the characters and plot-beats as familiar to us as family. With that caveat in mind, is Albino Farm a bad movie? And is it so bad it's good? Or is it just meh?

Albino Farm has it's bright spots. First and foremost, the makeup effects by Industrial Monster and Props/Jason Barnett are inventive and disturbing. Looking for the next generation's Savini or Baker? Look no further. I give you exhibit A:



Of course, this is the tip of the iceberg. Fans of creative monster design will LOVE this film.

So is there anything else? I was abashed to discover wrestler Chris Jericho ("Levi") could turn in such a creditable performance. So call me a snob, I assumed he was cast as a novelty. Honestly, though, Jericho's sordid, twitching hillbilly was so realistic I began to wonder about his personal life. (Just kidding, Mr. Jericho, please don't beat me to a pulp.)

Aside from these gems, that's about all to recommend Albino Farm. The well-worn plot was directed in a distinctly workmanlike way by the directing team of Joe Anderson and Sean McEwen. The balance of the cast were forgettable and the dialogue was pretty hacky. I was also very distracted by the choppy editing in the last act. Rushing to make a release date, Albino Farm? Gore quotient was fairly restrained and skin shots were almost non-existent (with the exception of one lingering topless shot of the beta female's body double).

Having said all that, I can't find it within myself to completely condemn Albino Farm. For all it's faults, Albino Farm is not the worst example of "backwoods mutants terrorize pretty people" out there (>cough,cough, Wrong Turn 3, cough<). Folks, if you are seriously jonesing for great makeup effects and have 90 minutes to kill, you could do a lot worse.

Toolshed verdict? 4/10 hayseed chromosomes.

Brighter and better things next time, fear fans. Check out Lo (2009) and wait for me to gush about it next time!